Quote From: pegam38 I cant believe there are still arranged marriages! I used to work with a girl who was from Bangladesh. She & her family moved to the US years earlier. She was very Americanized. When she was around 16, her parents started hounding her about gettting married. She was really smart, and wanted to go to college to become a doctor. They backed off for a while, but it was only a matter of time before they forced her to get married to someone she hardly knew. She used to try & explain to me how her culture was. I was in disbelief that a parent would force their child to marry, just to make themselves look good to their people! Maybe in the old country, but this is America, where women have the option to get married or stay single the rest of their lives. She also told me that the parents stand outside the hotel room, or wherever the bride & grrom go after the wedding to make sure that she has sex with her new husband! Then if the groom finds out that shes not a virgin, he can divorice her! Is this really true? She used to laugh at my reaction, because she knew the whole thing was ridiculous, but couldnt go against her parents. Needless to say, she doesnt go to college anymore, lives in a bad part of the city, and is pregnant. Im horrified by this. It seems like the man has all the control in these marriages. I can respect someones culture, but this all seems very cruel & demeaning to women!
I lived in Asia for several years where it is still common to have arranged marriages. In the beginning I could not imagine a more horrible destiny for anyone, but as years went along and I started understanding their culture and the ways the people think - I understood that this system works well for them and our system would be a total catastrophy for them and bring a lot of misery. Besides, in most cases they are not really forcing either the bride or the groom, but it is a part of their culture to accept what the family advices them to do and everything from education to whom you marry is often figured out by the family. The theory is that young people dont always chose what is best for them, therefore the parents give their suggestions and main consent or disapproval. The bride/groom can still say 'no', but most young couples agree and want this kind of arrangements.
Although it is true that 90% of their marriages last their whole life through since divorce is so embarrasing to them and something "degrading from western culture", I dont necessary feel they are extremely happy and deeply in love but they often do OK. The horror part comes in when one of the partners are physicially or emotionally abusive. If that is to happen, then it is a true nightmare for the victim (and as anywhere in the world in relationships, the victim is more often the woman).
In the eastern culture the belief is that you must adjust your differences to each other instead of always demanding something from the other. You would also be surprised to find that most men in these countries will not make any decisions without first talking it through with their wives and come to a mutual agreement. I did observe that they learned to work out their differences and after many years learned to appreciated each other as close friends, sometimes even love each other on a deeper level.
Its a strange concept for our culture, I know, but its a system that works well on average in their cultures.
The case you mention belong to some of the horror stories. It is a very shameful thing in the east to, 1) be unmarried in your mid 20's and beyond (staying single your whole life would be insane in their view), 2) be married to a 'white' person, 3) be disobedient and difficult to your parents, 4) be too demanding or exhibit excess personal freedom
(Original Air Date: 02/06/06) Dr. Phil talks to brides-to-be who are so out of control, their loved ones call them Bridezillas! They're a new breed of engaged women who terrorize their fiancés, bridal parties and family members with their outrageous demands. For Rachel and her mother, Jeanne, the planning of Rachel's wedding has turned into an utter nightmare. Rachel wants only the best for her special day, while Jeanne wants her to stick to the budget. Will mother and daughter be able to compromise? Then, Marsha and Archie just tied the knot, but are Marsha's controlling ways already ruining the marriage? Her sister-in-law, Lisa, thinks so, and says she watched Marsha go from sweet to satanic as she got closer to the big day! Dr. Phil has advice on avoiding wedding disasters that every bride needs to know. Join the discussion.
