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Topic : 07/17 The Dr. Phil House: Man Camp, Part 2

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Created on : Friday, February 02, 2007, 03:00:27 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 02/06/07) An intensive workshop continues in The Dr. Phil House as three wives turn their husbands in to Man Camp in a last-ditch effort to save their marriages. After Scott refuses to clean up a mess in the house, he has an angry discussion with Dr. Phil and storms out. Can his wife, Tara, convince him to give the experience another shot for the sake of his marriage and his family? Then, John and Nic roll up their sleeves and begin to clean the house, while their wives secretly watch in amazement. Will they have a new appreciation for what their better halves do on a daily basis? Plus, Dr. Phil sits down with Nic and Amanda. What did they do to nearly get kicked out of The Dr. Phil House? And will Amanda agree to bring in the man she’s been having an affair with, so she can tell him in front of Dr. Phil that it’s over, once and for all? Join the discussion.

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February 9, 2007, 11:18 am CST

02/06 The Dr. Phil House: Man Camp, Part 2

Quote From: 1rosey1

Perhaps I am a bit judmental and maybe yet still a little resentful. I see this same attitude in the other male poster who also complained about his early life and the unwillingness of women to consider him "because he isn't a chauvinist pig."

 

I think he sees the women who rejected him "getting the men they deserved." Perhaps this is judgmental. I can see you reading that way.

 

I admit to it. If women insist on choosing men-children because they find them sexually attractive, then they deserve what they get. On the OTHER HAND their children-to-be did NOT make that choice and that is what THEY get also.

 

Perhaps a retooling is necessary. Perhaps women need to eschew the modern press of aggrandizing man-children who are roughnecks and stunt junkies, to look at those who took their studies seriously and made something of themselves...of men who don't have washboard abs but are very able to support their children and behave lovingly to their wives.

 

If this makes me judgmental, than I think that is OK. 

 

I notice fewer women have posted on this site now complaining about their spouses. It could be partially because the show is now getting past its time and others replace it. It could also be (I hope) because the last posts from me and the other man might be getting some to think about the choices they made that attracted them to man-children, instead of real men.

 

Rosey1

 

 

 

 

But don't you see....just as these women chose these men...that SOME women gravitate toward men who are "bad boys"...these men also chose these women...for a reason. Either they are equally toxic OR the abusive mate purposefully chooses someone who he believes he can belittle and manipulate. I also can't help but notice that all three women are better than average looking. So just as women need to ask themselves what they are REALLY looking for in a mate, so do MEN.

 

Emotionally healthy people gravitate towards the other. Not only in love relationships, but in friendships. I used to know a lot of people in unhappy relationships and thought that was normal. Now I know a lot of people who are in happy, functional relationships...who chose their partners first and foremost because they shared similar values and life goals.

 
February 9, 2007, 2:12 pm CST

02/06 The Dr. Phil House: Man Camp, Part 2

Quote From: momisme2

LMAO!

Completley agree with both of you!

Glad someone else said what I was thinking.   :)
YOU TOOK THE WORD RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH. YOU ARE RIGHT ON THE MONEY. WOMAN LEANRED EARLY ON. IN ORDER TO SURVIVE YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO. NO BODY SHOULD PUT ANYONE DOWN FOR TYRING TO MAKE A LIVING. NO  MATTER WHAT THEIR SKILL IS.
 
February 9, 2007, 2:31 pm CST

Nice to hear

Quote From: dazed101

YOU TOOK THE WORD RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH. YOU ARE RIGHT ON THE MONEY. WOMAN LEANRED EARLY ON. IN ORDER TO SURVIVE YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO. NO BODY SHOULD PUT ANYONE DOWN FOR TYRING TO MAKE A LIVING. NO  MATTER WHAT THEIR SKILL IS.
I appreciate so much all of the open minds on here.  You are right!!!! 
 
February 9, 2007, 2:45 pm CST

One thing you can do

Quote From: blueize

when watching part 1 of Man Camp, I was overthrown with so many mixed emotions running through me. It all happened when Dr. Phil said do you know how many times I've called my wife a bitch.............and he put his fingers up to form a zero, and he said zero.  There is not a day that goes by in my 25 years of marriage that I am not cursed at or screamed at by terrible names. It's just nice to know there are men that don't do that. I have so much more to say but I'm to afraid of opening up that can of emotions.  Being I am alone with no extended family, no one to turn to I just can't handle that alone.  I just wanted to say it was so nice to here a man say that about his wife, it was truly wonderful.

Thank you,

Lisa

Long Island, NY

You asked what you could do. You could sit down and explain that the names and 4 letter words hurt, they hurt you feelings and your heart and after that happens you really can't hear what he says. Tell him that though he has the right to not like some of the things you do, you would like for him to not call names and say 4 letter words when you two argue. Tell him you plan to keep your cool and not hollar and not say bad words. (And stick to that.) When he hurls bad words at you, toss him 3 or 4 pieces of gravel. (I carried them around in an apron waiting for him to blow) When he asks why you did that tell him, he hit you with bolders and you hit him with pebbles. I did this (it took three tosses)  and my husband hasn't used bad words in 8 years. He still thinks and treats me as if I'm totally stupid and incompetent but he never uses bad words and actually speaks better to me in general.
 
February 9, 2007, 7:24 pm CST

02/06 The Dr. Phil House: Man Camp, Part 2

Quote From: tinadoland

 this show was very difficult to watch due to all the abuse on both partners behalfs. wow! i feel blessed to have the man i do. he's alot like yours. no he does't do alot of the cleaning, but he does do alot in other areas. i work a full time job, but he works three jobs everyday to provide for our family of 4 children, only one being his biological child, and the other three from my previous marriage. He's the one who has taken the two oldest ones to the bank to open checking accounts or help them apply for credit to take loans for cares so on and so forth. he's the one that will fix the furnace when it breaks in sub-zero weather, and yes he goes to dr. appts with them when i can't. he's the one who the kids go to when they need someone rational to talk to if i am in one of my premenopausal moods, he's the one who lets the dogs out when everyone else is too lazy, and when the laundry basket is too heavy he carries it up two flights of stairs for me. he's a great cook and has one of the best senses of humor i have ever known. is he perfect? no but neither am i. It took me along time to figure this out. i used to question why does he not do this or that? why is he not the most affectionate man, how come he never goes into detail about things that i ask him? why can't he close the cabinet doors when he takes something out? my god does he have to be such a slob? then one day I got it! he's not me and I cannot expect him to be like me. he is who he is. instead of finding fault, i had to ask myself these questions. Is he a good man, father, husband, provider, faithful? YES TO ALL OF THE ABOVE! Can i live with his imperfections? YES! Its only after i answered these questions did i start to celebrate who he is and all the good qualities he possesses, and you know what? I am alot less frustrated. I love him to death, and could not imagine being without him.

HE HE, hard lessons to learn aren't they, leaving the cupboard door open, mine still does that, after this long, I just close the damn thing, sigh.

But like you I do appreciate EVERYTHING he does, and yes I say please and thank you, so does he, that's how my kids learned those words.  And you are so right, he's not perfect, neither am I, but we can learn to get along right ? 

His snoring, got him the breath right strips, now I don't need earplugs, my night terrors, he knows how to deal with them, and get me back to sleep, I tell him there aren't too many who could deal with that.

 
February 9, 2007, 8:22 pm CST

verbal abuse

I am curently divorcing a husband who has verbally,mentally, and physically abused me for 22 years.In this divorce he has left me with nothing is fighting in court to make sure I get nothing and is fighting me for custody of our three teenagers.What is even worse is that my kids think he is right and that I should leave with nothing cause they have also been brainwashed to believe it is all dads.Now I am just fighting to survive.I have the kids right now but I am getting sick of their brainwashed abusiveness too.My seventeen year old told me today that anything I get from his dad he would do all he can to bleed me dry of it.This divorce is the worse stress I have ever felt but  it can only get better I hope unless I lose the kids too.A gaurdian ad litim has been appointed for the kids and they usually take the kids wishes.
 
February 9, 2007, 11:15 pm CST

HI Candace

Quote From: leah1991

I think it may be safe to say that there are two kinds of abusers. The one who really knows exactly what he's doing and plots and schemes. God knows there are people on this earth who are evil through and through. They are heartless to the core. But there are also a lot of people who just don't think. They let there anger get the best of them and fly off the handle without thinking through the consequences. I myself used to do that. Trust me I didn't sit and plot and scheme about how to make my husband miserable or whoever else it was that I was mad at. I was just hurt or irritated and being selfish. I was blind to the thoughts and feelings of others. You just go around reacting to everything. It isn't always easy to tell the difference between the two. But in either case throwing your own anger on top certainly doesn't help. But I still say treating them with unconditional respect is your best defense.

 

When I say respect them no matter what. I'm not saying to just lay down and take their abuse. I'm not even saying to stay with them no matter what. What I'm saying is resist the urge to fight fire with fire. We also need to resist the urge to look down on them. Anger is typically a secondary emotion. There is usually hurt, insecurity or fear underneath.

 

You say most abusers have anger management skills that they choose not to use at home. That may be, but my ex husband and my current husband had bad tempers at home and at work. My ex was worse at home, at least I thought, but maybe that was because I had to put up  with it then. My current husband was about the same either place. Now he's pretty good at home most of the time. But he still struggles at work because it's a high pressure job. If he starts to lose his cool at home he catches himself quick. He knows he has a temper and so do I. But since we respect each other I don't throw gas on the fire and he has enough sense to go somewhere and cool off.

 

But I have a theory on why people are worse at home than anywhere else. Our expectations are higher at home and we are more vulnerable to our spouses than anyone else. If my neighbor holds me in contempt, that would hurt my feelings and cause me some stress but it's not the end of the world. But when your spouse, your parent, or your child holds you in contempt that cuts a little deeper so tempers are more likely to fly.

 

I just see many women make a bad situation worse by handling things ineffectively. I have been such a woman. If your husband gets mad and storms off, let him go. Don't throw gas on the fire by insulting him, telling him he's being selfish, or chasing him. Just let him go cool off. You can always talk about things later when you've had a chance to think things over. When you're mad is not the time to talk.

 

Whenever my ex or my current husband would get mad at me, I'd throw it right back at them. All it did was escalate out of control. But AFTER I left my ex I STILL had to deal with him for six long years. That's why I'm not quick to tell a woman to leave or judge them for staying. Most people don't seem to realize that you can't just get them out of your life when you have kids with them. It isn't that simple. As I said, by the grace of God I was able to make peace with my ex. We have had 3 years of peace.

 

But I'd like to give an example of what I'm talking about. As far as respect in the midst of abuse. One time when I went to court when my ex and I were doing the court thing, he comes up screaming and cussing me out, calling me names. He shoved his finger in my face. He was actually touching my face with his finger and spit was flying out of his mouth as he screamed at me. I used to get mad and just yell back or at least try and defend myself or tell him how immature he was. But I was just praying that God would help me to handle it the right way. I just sat there and never flinched. I calmly and politely lifted my hand and pushed his out of my face and said, "Please don't stick your finger in my face." He started yelling again and cussing at me again and stuck his finger back in my face again. I did the same thing again. Then he just got flustered and turned around and walked away. But then he went and started some crap with the sercurity guard. After about 5 minutes of trying to get him calmed down the security guard had enough and arrested him.  But it was a victory for me that day. Not because he got arrested but because he didn't get a rise out of me. I didn't flinch and I didn't treat him with the same disrespect he treated me. You should've seen the look on his face. You could tell he didn't know what to make of it.

 

The Bible says a gentle answer turns away wrath and harsh words stir up anger. It also says the mouth of a fool invites a beating. We need to use wisdom.

 

You know Ghandi and Martin Luther King weren't doormats either. They chose to take a proactive role against their abusers. They overcame by respecting their enemies but standing for the truth. These men were movers and shakers in the world. They both lost their lives for it. But some things are worth dying for.

God Bless You I just read your message today haven't been on it since the last time I wrote you & again you blessed me!

I know Groovy meant well though & had truth to what he said....

And what you said did too, it's like between both of you it bought balance to myself.

My husband wants a divorce, he thinks I am at fault for everything that happened in the relationship, that we are separated cause of me & he chooses not to see his own faults & his emotional abuse. I let it go & put it in God's hands he will take care of this situation....

I rest in HIM.

Blessings....and say hi if you are here again, me too this is my first message board ever....

I can't wait to see what happens next week.

:O)

 
February 9, 2007, 11:22 pm CST

it looks like this situation needs the intervention

Quote From: reiterfive

I am curently divorcing a husband who has verbally,mentally, and physically abused me for 22 years.In this divorce he has left me with nothing is fighting in court to make sure I get nothing and is fighting me for custody of our three teenagers.What is even worse is that my kids think he is right and that I should leave with nothing cause they have also been brainwashed to believe it is all dads.Now I am just fighting to survive.I have the kids right now but I am getting sick of their brainwashed abusiveness too.My seventeen year old told me today that anything I get from his dad he would do all he can to bleed me dry of it.This divorce is the worse stress I have ever felt but  it can only get better I hope unless I lose the kids too.A gaurdian ad litim has been appointed for the kids and they usually take the kids wishes.

of God on high.....I think if maybe you could sit down with your kids & not talk bad about their dad & tell them you need them to listen to what you have to say.

That this divorce is between you & their dad, they are not getting divorced from either one of you.

This divorce is not about them picking sides, you are still their mother & he is still their dad & that you both love them very much & want what is best for them totally...because it seems to be too that they are hurting through all of this & this is their way of dealing with it picking sides & that should not be the case.

I will call your x & tell him if you can that the kids should not have to suffer through this divorce that if you guys put the kids to pick you will be hurting them & yourselves because kids or teens need both the mother & the father in their lives always....

hope  I was of help. :O)

 
February 10, 2007, 4:40 am CST

02/06 The Dr. Phil House: Man Camp, Part 2

Quote From: cheetie62

Why in the world would you put up with that.  Are you afraid of what he might do if you stood up to him?  I would hope he would lay just one finger on me and I would have his ass thrown in jail!!!  WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!!!!

There was a woman in our local area years ago who was severely abused by her husabnd or boyfriend. We're not talking about just a little slap or a shove. This guy beat her like a man. She did end having him put in prison. Unfortunately after he had been in there a while he got on some kind of work release program where he could actually leave the prison briefly to do his job. When he did that he went and murdered the woman he had beat and who put him in prison. Several years later I had the opportunity to actually work with the murderers cousin. I don't know how much truth there is to it but she said that the woman was a real witch, she would antagonize him and if I recall she had cheated on him. She was just as abusive as she was. I suppose she thought she was just standing up to him.

 

I don't believe in just putting up with stuff but if you decide to stand up to them you better consider carefully how you do it. You just may get yourself killed.

 
February 10, 2007, 4:46 am CST

02/06 The Dr. Phil House: Man Camp, Part 2

Quote From: reiterfive

I am curently divorcing a husband who has verbally,mentally, and physically abused me for 22 years.In this divorce he has left me with nothing is fighting in court to make sure I get nothing and is fighting me for custody of our three teenagers.What is even worse is that my kids think he is right and that I should leave with nothing cause they have also been brainwashed to believe it is all dads.Now I am just fighting to survive.I have the kids right now but I am getting sick of their brainwashed abusiveness too.My seventeen year old told me today that anything I get from his dad he would do all he can to bleed me dry of it.This divorce is the worse stress I have ever felt but  it can only get better I hope unless I lose the kids too.A gaurdian ad litim has been appointed for the kids and they usually take the kids wishes.
Leaving is rarely the magic solution that some women on this board seem to think it is, is it? Especially when you have kids involved. There usually isn't a happily ever after. You just don't live with them anymore. But if you have kids you still have to deal with them on an ongoing basis. My ex and I did the court thing four 6 long years. The verbal and emotional abuse didn't stop either. It just escalated and changed to death threats. It didn't get better til I found a way to make peace with my ex. Thank God I did.
 
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