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Topic : Coping with the Death of a Child

Number of Replies: 757
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Created on : Friday, September 15, 2006, 03:28:03 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Losing a child is especially traumatic, share your memories, stories and support with others here.

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January 2, 2007, 1:48 am CST

You all are in my thoughts and prayers.

I have been reading some of the posts and am feeling the pain of my losses.  I once told my sister that maybe my purpose in life was to have a heart ache.  She has used me as an example when telling her stories of someone who has lost so much and she said that she doesn't know anyone that has lost as much as I have.  I have lost so many people in my life grandparents, parent, spouse, sibling, aunts, uncles, niece, cousin, son, grandson and some friends.  Nothing compares to the feeling I had when I lost my son.  He committed suicide, some people tried to tell me it was murder, it doesn't matter how he died all that matters is that he isn't here anymore.  When my son died I have never experienced pain like that and I have been through alot myself being raped, molested etc.  I believe there is no greater pain than that of losing a child.   He died July 2, 2004.  People tell me to let go, what does letting go mean?  I can never let go,  I have accepted that he is not here anymore.  I think that if I don't talk about him, listen to his songs, don't look at his pictures that I am letting him die.  I keep him alive by doing these things.  My grandson died in May and his parents act like he didn't even exist and this is painful for me.  I have pictures of them for my screen savers so that they are not forgotten by me anyway.  Everyone I know says I'm a strong person, thats funny because I sure don't feel very strong.   I think my understanding of God has helped me through it all also can't  forget to be grateful for the people in my life and for the people that share their stories on these message boards.  I don't like the pain in my life but I'm glad to see 2007 and I hope to see many more years.  I cherish life and it is so short.  I am trying to be the best person I can be- heart aches and all.  Thanks for sharing your stories and reading mine.  It is through others pains/ joys that we have a better understanding.  Gods plan is beyond the understanding of man.

p.s.  I also have to be grateful for Dr Phil and Oprah

 
January 3, 2007, 8:45 am CST

I am so sorry for the horror you have been through

Quote From: momofteenangel

It was a hit and run by a drunk/drug driver by our home. He was severed and blood everywhere. It took LIfe Force choppers way too long to get here to us. We are in a rural area and the waiting for help was horrid. He tried so hard to live. He just gradutated high school. We were just your typical dysfunctional happy go lucky family until now.

 

We are not a family anymore. We are ruined, destroyed forever. There is no help for us.

 

I have tried everything to reach out to no avail.. I even asked to talk to Robin once.

 

We are no longer living. We are merely existing in torment that is so hard it cannot be defined. I wish death for me soon. That's all I want now.. I just want to be with my son again so much.

 But your son is still with you, he is still around you.  You do not have to die to be with him.

Your life is altered forever in the most devastating, firghtening and and shocking way.  To see the body of a beloved family member harmed in such a sudden and senseless way has to have knocked the very earth out from under your feet.  May you be comforted, may God reveal his love and his plan to you.  
 
January 4, 2007, 5:47 pm CST

Lost a daughter

I was reading a lot of the posts and can truthfully say I know how it feels to have a lost a child.  My daughter passed away January 20th, 1987 six days before her 15th birthday.  At times it still feels like yesterday and she is always close by in my heart.

 

She was originally diagnosed with mono, but it turned out to be Hodgkins Disease - similar symptoms.  After undergoing chemo and radiation, she died from heart muscle damage caused by one of the chemo drugs.  She died from the cure, not the disease.

 

One of the hardest lessons for me is that life really does go on and what I can say is that you never forget, but somehow you find a way to survive despite it.  Yet I'm still trying to find my way.

 
January 5, 2007, 7:25 am CST

Thankyou Bunny

Quote From: bunny628

 I am so sorry for your loss of Matt.  I know the sorrow and the pain your feeling as I lost my son Willie 8 months ago today.  Willie hung himself in the garage of his home, he was 20 yrs. old. As the numbness  and shock wears off it will get worst as it becomes more real to you it get worst.  You are not the same person you where 5 month and 4 days ago and a part of you is gone. Losing a child is the most horrible thing  for a mother, someone who was a part of you  is gone.  I  try not to find a reason why  Willie chose to leave. only knowing what ever pain and sadness he was felling was to much for him to take any longer. Willie had a lot going for him,his own home,a boss the loves him like his own ,getting his own lobster boat to run, was getting a new truck the next day,he also had his heart broken by his girlfriend of six years,he was on his cell phone when with her just before he died,she was not coming back as planned and met someone else (I spoke to her a few weeks after) so how can I understand why?? I will not know that until we are together again.  So why only Willie and God really knows.  Slowly you will find peace and comfort .  Do you have other children or family ? the days do get better than BAM it hits you again like a wave washing over you it has taken me to floor unable to do anything but  lay there and cry.  I pray  for comfort and peace for both of us and any mother or father who has lost a child. God Bless you and Matt.  Keep writing I helps and the support  and friendship I have found here is a blessing.  Bunny  Willie's Mom
I surely intended to thankyou before now.  You were the first to responed, to my entry on the message board.  It meant alot.  It frightened me to learn my thoughts of it getting harded before better, to deal with, as reality becomes more "real" each and everyday.  On christmas day I took a wreath and a wood cross to hang it on out to Matthews grave. I hung a picture in a weather free frame, in the middle of the wreath, w/ red bow, blue tinsel and 1 blue x-mas bulb. Truely beauiful and another way of feeling like he was a part of my christmas, even thou he is not here on this earth with us.  Instead of a cold place to visit it brought great warmth.  I have been praying for peace in your heart also, god bless you and hope to here from you soon.          As Always.....Matts Mom Cheetagirl 
 
January 6, 2007, 12:07 pm CST

QUIET IN HOUSTON, TEXAS

Quote From: carlahhhh

I am so sorry for the loss of your son Willie. You are so right. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I hope that no one took offense at what I said about knowing how I feel. I do know that all of you have enormous, indescribable pain. It's me that keeps trying suicide. I did try Compassionate Friends, but it seemed even worse afterward, if that's possible. I know my kids need me. I love them with all my heart & I know they are grieving too. Just want to crawl in a hole and die.
I TOO KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.  I LOST MY BELOVED 25 YEAR OLD SON 1 YEAR 1/2 AGO.  A DAY DOESN'T GO BY THAT I DON'T THINK OF HIM.  HE LEFT 3 CHILDREN BEHIND AND I MUST BE THERE FOR THEM.  THERE ARE DAYS WHEN I DIDN'T WANT TO WAKE UP BECAUSE ASLEEP I DIDN'T HAVE TO HANDLE THE PAIN.  BUT GOD IS MY STRENGTH AND I KNOW THAT ONE DAY I WILL SEE HIM.  FOR NOW I PRAY THAT GOD WILL HEAL AND RESTORE MY AND YOU AND ALL PARENTS WHO HAVE LOST THEIR CHILDREN.  PEACE BE WITH YOU ALWAYS.
 
January 6, 2007, 12:22 pm CST

ROSES IN DECEMBER

I LOST MY 25 YEAR OLD SON IAN A YEAR AND A HALF AGO.  HE WAS HAPPILY MARRIED AND LEFT 3 BEAUTIFUL SONS BEHIND.  I AM SO HAPPY THAT GOD BLESSED ME WITH THIS BEAUTIFUL ANGEL.  I AM STILL GRIEVING AND I AM STILL MOURNING AND BELEIVE THIS IS HOW IT WILL BE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.  I PRAY FOR HEALING AND RESTORATION FOR ME AND YOU WHO ARE READING THIS.  MAY GOD BRING PEACE TO OUR HEARTS. 
 
January 6, 2007, 2:34 pm CST

My Sisters Son

My Sisters youngest son  passed away a year and a half ago, he was just 14 and had an accident in the neighbors yard.  She struggles each and everyday, just to get up.  I wish she would let me help her.  There is a grief support at my church, however she says she just doesnt want to go.  They can't bring him back, so why bother...... We also lost our mother just 8 days after JonJon, unexpectedly to a brain annurysm........ Life has not been good to us lately to say the least.  Any idea on how I can help my sister, please let me know.

Thank You

Shay

 
January 7, 2007, 12:18 pm CST

I'm sorry for your loss

Quote From: lakewoodangel

I TOO KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.  I LOST MY BELOVED 25 YEAR OLD SON 1 YEAR 1/2 AGO.  A DAY DOESN'T GO BY THAT I DON'T THINK OF HIM.  HE LEFT 3 CHILDREN BEHIND AND I MUST BE THERE FOR THEM.  THERE ARE DAYS WHEN I DIDN'T WANT TO WAKE UP BECAUSE ASLEEP I DIDN'T HAVE TO HANDLE THE PAIN.  BUT GOD IS MY STRENGTH AND I KNOW THAT ONE DAY I WILL SEE HIM.  FOR NOW I PRAY THAT GOD WILL HEAL AND RESTORE MY AND YOU AND ALL PARENTS WHO HAVE LOST THEIR CHILDREN.  PEACE BE WITH YOU ALWAYS.
I'm so sorry for your loss of your son and I know that you understand the pain and sorrow that comes with losing a child. I'm glad that you have your g-kids but so sad for them that they lost their Daddy. I bought a book for my older son's daughter she is eight and was having a hard time with losing Uncle Willie they lived with him so it made the void greater the book is called The Next Place. It's a wonderful book for younger children, it explain the journey of leaving and how it is when you get to the next place. She loves her "Uncle Willie book" and keeps it in her special place. I hope you find peace and comfort. You are in my prayers and all who have come here because of their loss. God Bless Bunny Willie's Mom
 
January 7, 2007, 1:05 pm CST

xmas

Quote From: cheetagirl3144

I surely intended to thankyou before now.  You were the first to responed, to my entry on the message board.  It meant alot.  It frightened me to learn my thoughts of it getting harded before better, to deal with, as reality becomes more "real" each and everyday.  On christmas day I took a wreath and a wood cross to hang it on out to Matthews grave. I hung a picture in a weather free frame, in the middle of the wreath, w/ red bow, blue tinsel and 1 blue x-mas bulb. Truely beauiful and another way of feeling like he was a part of my christmas, even thou he is not here on this earth with us.  Instead of a cold place to visit it brought great warmth.  I have been praying for peace in your heart also, god bless you and hope to here from you soon.          As Always.....Matts Mom Cheetagirl 
   I am glad to help in anyway.  It must have been beautiful what you did at Matt's grave, I know it is a really hard thing to do.He will always be there in your heart as Willie is with me . I had a hard time with Xmas I got a snowman but I could not get a nutcracker, Willie has a Nutcracker collection, my Mom (we lost Mom 11yrs ago) got him his first when he was 6 and we always gave one or more as gifts for Xmas he just loved them,every year he would put them up on the mantle (there are now 24 of them) taking his time to make then look just right.   But this year I could not bring myself to buy one for him I would leave the store in tears. Then I was given a wonderful gift from my daughters x-boyfriend Casey, I told Meg I could not bring myself to get one ,she told Casey when he came down on Xmas eve. When I went with Meg to the grave Xmas morning there was a nutcracker there,Casey went out and found one and took it to Willie at 11pm so it would be there in Christmas morning, Meg and I where both laughing and crying .We are thankful for being blessed with Casey. It helped me so much Casey's thoughtful gift to me and Willie. Have you in my prayers.God Bless.Bunny Willie's Mom
 
January 8, 2007, 7:00 pm CST

A ray of hope

Ireland’s tiny little fingers were wrapped one by one around my index finger. Her whole fist did not fit from the end of my nail to my knuckle. I was standing over her, praying that everything would be alright. Even with all the tubes of IV’s and the tape adhering them to her, she was the most beautiful person to enter my life. Seeing her sick was terrifying to me. She was so small, and young, just an innocent child; a little girl whose life had just begun. My body and mind were numb as I watched the doctor pump her little chest. The machines were doing her breathing for her, and the doctor was manually beating her heart. I watched Dr. Katie’s teardrop fall unto my little girl as she said, “She doesn’t have a heartbeat.” My response was, “Give her mine.” I did not want to accept that Ireland Leigh Ann had died. My daughter, my little girl, my dreams had all disappeared with those five words. It had only been three weeks after she was born.

I remember the moment that Dave whispered quietly in my ear, “It’s a girl.” That moment and those words can only be used to describe the day my dreams were filled and all my wishes came true. I had always wanted a little girl, even more so after having two boys. Tayler and Holton had a sister, Dave and I had a daughter. Ireland Leigh Ann Hendrickson was born healthy. She weighed 7 pounds, and she was 20 ½ inches long. She was perfect. Our family was complete and I had my tubes tied. I would no longer be able to conceive anymore children. It seemed like the right decision at that time. Ireland was born by c-section which made the surgery convenient. How did I know that would become the biggest regret in my life? Having my tubes tied was the mistake that has now lead me on a journey of hope, a search to fill the void created by losing Ireland.

I took my daughter home as scheduled and we began our future together. I imagined our life together would be forever. I took her to a routine check-up at two-weeks old. She was meeting all expectations of a newborn. I had even believed she was doing more. After all, I had witnessed a smile. At this young of age, most people had found it hard to believe. A week after the doctor’s visit, Ireland became sick. An airborne bacterium, meningitis, had entered her body. She was too small to fight it off. Ireland died as a result of meningitis on April 6, 2005.

The moment that Ireland’s heart stopped, I felt as if I lost my whole world. I was still a mom, but no longer had a daughter. I was alive but no longer had a soul. I felt as if I had no reason for dreaming.

After months of grief and a period of depression, I started to seek “hope.” Hope to complete our family again, and to fill the void; the emptiness I still feel inside. A will to continue the bond created by a wish that once came true; a dream that had been filled. A love from a daughter I had only gotten to know for three short weeks. Upon our search for hope, my husband and I discovered In Vitro Fertilization. This is a procedure in which eggs are removed from a woman and fertilized in a petri dish to create cells, or an embryo. The eggs are then implanted into the woman’s uterus, allowing her to carry her own baby. During this procedure, once the cells are formed they can be tested for chromosomes. This allows couples to choose the gender of the baby.

Although this method is very costly, we have chosen it. We have the guarantee of conceiving a girl. I do not want a little girl strictly because I do not have one, but because I had one. I know the bond and how it differs between a mother and daughter. We are currently working out a way to afford the procedure. For us it is the possibility that makes us a little stronger each day. Having hope takes away the pain, one moment at a time.

My heart aches for Ireland, and she will never be replaced. The day Ireland died was the day Tayler and Holton lost a piece of their mother. A daughter would not only complete our family, but it would give two other children back their mother. She will be the missing piece to complete us. Having another child is not a solution to grief, but having a daughter is the answer to my prayers. Arayah Hope, her name, would not only be an addition to our family, but another dream come true; a ray of hope.

 
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