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Topic : Balancing Marriage and Family

Number of Replies: 1242
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:00:43 pm
Author : dataimport
Adding a family means big changes in a marriage. Tell us how you've succeeded or struggled to manage both.

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October 21, 2005, 1:42 pm CDT

if i don't do it i will be living in a war zone

Quote From: latingirl

Don't do anything for him anymore.  Tell him at 4:30 when he is ready to leave to go golfing that you are going to happy hour having some drinks and won't be home until. let him know that dog needs to be taken out and also ran out of toliet paper.    And be on your merry little way.  When you get home and those things aren't done.  Take the dog out, let him know it;s his dog to and he needs to contribe to this too.  And DO NO>>>>do his laundry.  Do your own, that will make his mad but hey he doesn't do yours right?  50/50 here buddy!  And forget about his lunch.......he can make his own.....breakfast and dinner as well.  Don't be his maid or his cook.  You didn't sign up for that job.   

  

Sorry girl but marriage isn't looking pretty if this is all on you.  You can't run a household alone when there is someone right next to you that is pushing you away.  That is what he is doing.  Marriage should not even been on your mind at this point.  Better to find out now, rather than later.  What if you get married and have children.  You would never sleep.   

I totally hear where you are coming from but I've tried that.  If I don't clean-up after him our beautiful home turns into a scene from the worst college dorm room you have ever seen.  If I don't take the dog out, I have poop on my carpet.  If I don't cook for him, he will spend our money on gettting a sub etc.  I know these aren't excuses, cleaning up after him is the only way I can manage to stay somewhat sane. 

And I know, if we were to ever have kids they would be entirely my responsibility.  It sucks.  So is what you are saying is that there is no hope? 

 
October 21, 2005, 1:52 pm CDT

we made a to-do list

Quote From: lsterling

Hind Sight is when you've learned something as a result of something you've already gone through.  Red flags are warnings that you should pay attention too to keep you out of situations that eventually become hind sight IF you learn something.  Unfortunately, many people don't pay attention to red flags.   

  

You have MAJOR red flags here.  I don't encourage anyone to buy a home with someone they are not married to.  You're not balancing marriage and a family.  You are living in what is called a "False Covenant".  I'm not going to go through the lengths of explaining that because it is based on my Christian beliefs and I'm not writing to preach to you. 

  

Anyway, pay attention to these red flags.  This is what you will marry.  Is this what you want?  Can you live with this for the rest of your life?  Can you accept these things about him without complaining AND without trying to change him?  He is honestly showing you who he is.  If you answer no to any of these questions, you need to make some major adjustments in your relationship because if you move forward into marriage you are going to be resentful, frustrated and stressed as you currently are.  This is a mixture for divorce.  Starting a marriage that is already headed for divorce is not way to start a marriage. 

  

Please think carefully.  If this relationship doesn't work and you wind up not getting married, PLEASE use hind sight.  Also, please pay attention to the red flags BEFORE you get married before a failed marriage give you the wrong impression about marriage. 

So after I wrote that message I decided to confront him, for the 20th time.  He suggested that we get a to-do board so he could be reminded of what he needs to get done.  We have had it for 2 days now and he has made about a 70% improvement.  Do you think this will work?   

I just want to know your opinion.  Will he be able to change or can men be like this for the rest of their lives.  He is only 26, could it be because he is just still immature?  I just can't see a 40 year old father being lazy like him.  Or, am I completely wrong.  I want him to change so bad.  I really love what we have and I love him.  But, to answer your questions, no I can't be happy living like this and accepting his bad traits.  I am terrified now of having children and it is not even close to being in the future.  I would never sleep if we had kids and my house would probably turn into a war zone.  Is this a problem that can be fixed by a counselor.  He obviously has some sort of psychological problem, right? 

 
October 21, 2005, 1:57 pm CDT

Love and Respect

Quote From: seael56258

I have been married for 6 years. We have a 5 yr old and 20 mo old, both boys. My problem is my husband doesn't seem interested in our kids or me anymore. He rarely does anything with the boys or with me. When I work and he is watching them, he just watches tv. I strongly feel as if he is kinda neglecting them. I try to encourage him to do things with them but he shrugs it off. And when it comes to me, the only time he shows interest in me, is when he wants to have sex. (I have a very low sex drive due to this). And when ever I need or want him to do something, it doesn't get done for days or weeks. BUT whenever his family needs or wants something, it gets done asap. Now he has not always been like this. Just within the last 1 1/2 - 2 years. I honestly feel like there is no hope here sometimes. It really hurts me that he is not being how a father should be. Attentive. I have thought of threatning divorce but I am afraid even that won't help. And yes, I have talked, not nagged, about this and he gets upset and accuses me of thinking he is a bad father. I really need help.

At the risk of offending you, by your message it sounds like a lack of love and respect in your marriage.  Women crave love.  Men crave respect.  When a woman doesn't feel love she may disrespect her husband.  When a man feels disrespected, he stops showing love.  It becomes a vicious cycle.  It's nerve wrecking because usually you get so caught up in the cycle that the wife usually doesn't stop and say, I'm going to respect him whether he shows love or not.  And the man gets so caught up that he usually doesn't stop and say I'm going to show love to her whether she shows respect or not.  We live in a world where the mentality is something for something.  No one wants to give of themself and not expect anything in return.  Do you want to know what is really crazy?  Many times it isn't intentional.  I'm sure you don't sit around thinking about disrespecting your husband and he doesn't plot how he isn't going to show love to you.  The problem is usually internal.  Since we can't fix one another internally, we try to understand where the person is and what they are going through and we pray for them.  That's what I would do as a Christian wife.  I can't tell you what to do because I don't know what you believe.  I can say this, my husband is a Christian, but when I ask him to do something, it takes a longgggggggggggg time to get done.  Why?  Many times what is important to women isn't important to men.  That doesn't mean they don't care.  It's just a difference in genders.  My husband is quick to help other people with certain things as well.  But I realize that I ask him more challenging things than those other people.  That's not an excuse for him not to help me and to help others.  But, I understand my husband.  Your husband may be going through something internally that has caused him to shut down.  How often do you tell him you love hiim?  The truth is love gives without looking for something in return.  How often do you recognize the good he does? I know it's hard to mustar when others are getting his help and you aren't.  But you would be surprised what will happen to his esteem when you build him up on a regular basis.   

  

By no means am I blaming you for the divide in your marriage nor excusing your husband's behavior.  However, as women we have to realize the creative power that we have to influence our husbands.  Most women are so emotion driven that they can't get past "how they feel" long enough to use their power.  I'm not talking about sex.  I'm talking about respect.  Men crave it.  To the 20 things you don't like about him, surely there is one thing that you do.  What are his interest?  My husband desires to design cars.  He floods my home with car magazines.  I want to be mad.  I want to throw them in the trash.  I have no interest in what he is interested in.  But I love him.  I'm interested in him.  So, I bought him a big sketch pad to draw his cars in.  I go to his car shows.  I bought nice little baskets for the dining room and bathroom for his magazines.  You gotta get creative.   

  

So your sex drive is low.  That is not your sex drive.  That is your emotions.  When a woman doesn't feel loved, that is one of the first things that shuts down.  But guess what.  We can control our emotions.  You don't have to always do what you feel.  If you don't feel like making love when he wants to, change your mind.  It really is that easy.  A person driven by feelings doesn't believe that.  My husband can push my buttons.  I have an arsenol of sexy lingerie that "he bought" for me.  I'll work past my attitude, slip something on for him and by the time the music stops playing, I don't remember why I was mad.  Does making love erase the issue? No.  But when you "choose" to work past your feelings, the afterglow is a great time to say "honey, can I share my heart with you?  I appreciate you for working so hard to provide for our home.  I love you and the children really love you.  We miss spending time with you."  Remind him of how fun it is to be with him.  Think of a specific moment. 

  

He may not respond favorably the first one or two times.  But internal issues are not changed overnight.  Marriages nor people change overnight.  Marriage is work.  It's up to us to decide whether it's going to be good work or bad work.  Too often people get married to get "their" needs met.  Too often people get married with expectations of what the other person should do and how they should act.  So many things are not discussed in dating relationships when people are caught up in romance.  Then, after marriage, when the "real" person comes out, we think they've changed.  People do change and people evolve.  But most of the time, they are just being themselves.  It's just a side that we haven't seen or a part of their personality that we don't want to see. 

  

I'm not professional so I can't diagnose your marriage accurately nor give you a specific solution.  But I know that Love and Respect are an important part of marriage and when it diminishes, there is danger to the unity.  But have no fear.  Depending on our willingess to work on "ourselves" and at our marriages, even the worst situations can be turned around. 

 
October 21, 2005, 2:05 pm CDT

Improvement???

Quote From: mmerganser

So after I wrote that message I decided to confront him, for the 20th time.  He suggested that we get a to-do board so he could be reminded of what he needs to get done.  We have had it for 2 days now and he has made about a 70% improvement.  Do you think this will work?   

I just want to know your opinion.  Will he be able to change or can men be like this for the rest of their lives.  He is only 26, could it be because he is just still immature?  I just can't see a 40 year old father being lazy like him.  Or, am I completely wrong.  I want him to change so bad.  I really love what we have and I love him.  But, to answer your questions, no I can't be happy living like this and accepting his bad traits.  I am terrified now of having children and it is not even close to being in the future.  I would never sleep if we had kids and my house would probably turn into a war zone.  Is this a problem that can be fixed by a counselor.  He obviously has some sort of psychological problem, right? 

Real improvement depends greatly upon whether or not a person is truly changed inside.  The "to-do board" may work or he may drift back to old habits if he doesn't see the value of what he is doing.  He may be immature.  There are men in their 40's the same way.  Is he really lazy or does he just see home as a place to rest?  Does he have a psychological problem?  Probably not.  Have you ever asked him what he thinks the role of a man is and the role of a woman is?  If I could teach a class to women on the things they ought to discuss in relationships before they cross certain lines, it would be hilarious.  Men AND women can be a certain way for the rest of their lives if they don't want to change.  But you best believe this, you can't change him so don't try.  If you're not happy with how things are and you can't accept him for who he is, you have a choice to make and no one can make it for you.  If you stay, you choose to accept him.  

 
October 21, 2005, 2:53 pm CDT

Where do I start?

Where do I start?  My husband is a very selfish person.  He went from his mother taking care of everything for him, to me.  It's not that he can't do it, he just chooses not to.  We have 2 children ages 14 and 11.  I do all the running with the kids, work at school 7 hours a day, all the housework, etc.  Basically, he goes to work, comes home and either hunts or fishes, or works outside in his shed.  When I do put my foot down, it acts like I am being unreasonable and then won't talk about it.  He is not very happy with his job and would like to go back to being an over the road truck driver.  I totally support him in this, because I think she have to like your job.  But, he also wants to be home to see the kids.  He ordered some hunting stuff and then wanted to send it back.  I told him get it ready to go and I will take it to the post office for him.  It sat there for a couple of days and then he got really angry and wanted to know why that hadn't been sent back yet.  I haven't been home until late all week.  He took off early yesterday and went deer hunting for several hours.  Anyway, I said "I told you when you had it ready to go, I would take it."  He was very mad because he had to package it back up and put the address on the outside of the box.  I filled out the form for the inside.  Then he stomped outside and wouldn't talk to me.  I asked him why he was mad and he said I'm not mad at you.  Then I asked what's wrong and he just said nothing.  I left him 2 years ago because of his verbal abuse and I swore when I came back that I would be treated as an equal.  Any feedback appreciated!!!!  We have been married for 15 years.
 
October 21, 2005, 3:38 pm CDT

Is it Me?

We've been married for 3 years and I'm finding my husband the need to control our entire marriage.  He is constantly coming up the ideas or goals for us but never follows through.  I moved here 3 years ago from Canada, selling my home and giving up my career to be with him.  Since I have moved here he refused to put my name on his house or any life insurance policies.  His children from his previous are entitiled to that.  He tells if something was to happen to him I would recieve his pension. I haven't seen any papers or proof of such.  He tells my name doesn't have to be listed as a beneficienary.  He decided we should purchase a condo in Canada and had my parents and a realtor driving around looking for us and then he decided against it.  Then he comes up with the idea to purchase a cabin, same thing..changes his mind even after I went through the process of getting us pre-approved.  The last straw was when I asked him about getting a will done and he said he wanted us to have a baby but not until I finish school which is in 4 years.  I told him I refused to have children at the age of 40.  He continued to talk about having a baby and I though he had agree with me until last night he said no to everything.  What's wrong with this man?  I'm working full time and had to return to school because I couldn't find a job in my field of work.  So working full time, going to school in the evenings, cleaning and cooking has pretty much done me in.  I'm tired!!!!!  I have now refused the do his laundry and be his maid.  Any suggestions? 

 
October 25, 2005, 11:51 am CDT

husband trouble

where do I start with the special one I picked. He is 28 , I am 22. we have a three year old girl and a 2 year old autistic boy, and one on the way. My husband is an alcoholic and a drug addict ( although he thinks I'm to stupid to realize he does drugs, but when your one buddy is a dealer, it doesn't take rocket science to figure it out) He is gone all the time, which is almost a plus now a days because I don't have to deal with him, but our kids only see him about once a week, because he convienently gets home after they are in bed everyday. I am a stay at home mother and I appreciate that he gives me the opportunity to do that but he makes me miserable and everytime I try to throw him out he is worse than a two year old, he throws fits, stomps and refuses to leave and follows me around whining until I can't take it anymore. I don't know what to do about him, there are times where he makes me hate my life.  I never go anywhere with out the children even if he is at home he expects me to take them. I don't feel like an individual anymore. but then again, why should he leave, he gets a cook, housekeeper, babysitter and records keeper all for free. I don't want to waste however many years in a bad marriage, but I want to be home with my children, since I am anal about who can watch them. I think without the alcohol he would be a really good person but I am sick of waiting. I partied when I was younger but I quit everything the minute I found out I was pregnant with my first child and I quit drinking alcohol completely last year. I just wish he would grow up. thanks for letting me vent
 
October 25, 2005, 12:34 pm CDT

please help on this one

I am married to the man I love.  I do everything I can to show him I care, he even gets midnight snacks and breakfast in bed.  I am a good wife. 

The problem is that he has told me for 4 months that he doesn't love me anymore, and is here only for the kids, and I am pregnant with #3. 

He is even vacationing for a month out of the country soon, without me! 

We are both educated, and middle-class, but I will be poor if I leave. 

Don't forget that I am in pain over this.  Please thell me, should I stay? 

 

 
October 25, 2005, 12:42 pm CDT

Balancing Marriage and Family

Quote From: raeaalden

where do I start with the special one I picked. He is 28 , I am 22. we have a three year old girl and a 2 year old autistic boy, and one on the way. My husband is an alcoholic and a drug addict ( although he thinks I'm to stupid to realize he does drugs, but when your one buddy is a dealer, it doesn't take rocket science to figure it out) He is gone all the time, which is almost a plus now a days because I don't have to deal with him, but our kids only see him about once a week, because he convienently gets home after they are in bed everyday. I am a stay at home mother and I appreciate that he gives me the opportunity to do that but he makes me miserable and everytime I try to throw him out he is worse than a two year old, he throws fits, stomps and refuses to leave and follows me around whining until I can't take it anymore. I don't know what to do about him, there are times where he makes me hate my life.  I never go anywhere with out the children even if he is at home he expects me to take them. I don't feel like an individual anymore. but then again, why should he leave, he gets a cook, housekeeper, babysitter and records keeper all for free. I don't want to waste however many years in a bad marriage, but I want to be home with my children, since I am anal about who can watch them. I think without the alcohol he would be a really good person but I am sick of waiting. I partied when I was younger but I quit everything the minute I found out I was pregnant with my first child and I quit drinking alcohol completely last year. I just wish he would grow up. thanks for letting me vent

Is your husdband bringing drugs into the house?  I really hope not.   

I am sorry for the situation you are in, and I know how it feels to have a man who is not totally commited.  Your husband is wrong, but that doesn't mean he will change. 

It may sound stupid, but you should really consider going to Nar-non.  it is a support group for people who love people who are addicts.  you may not consider him a drug addict, but if he was normal, he would be home with his family, not running around like an idiot.  these meetings will also put you in contact with some good people in situations like the one you are in, so you will not have to face this situation alone.  friends are a good thing, and they will help to fill the void left by your non supportive husband. 

  

 
October 26, 2005, 7:22 am CDT

Balancing Marriage and Family

Quote From: itsonlyme

I am married to the man I love.  I do everything I can to show him I care, he even gets midnight snacks and breakfast in bed.  I am a good wife. 

The problem is that he has told me for 4 months that he doesn't love me anymore, and is here only for the kids, and I am pregnant with #3. 

He is even vacationing for a month out of the country soon, without me! 

We are both educated, and middle-class, but I will be poor if I leave. 

Don't forget that I am in pain over this.  Please thell me, should I stay? 

 

NO, money isn't everything. you should be happy and with someone who loves you. your kids deserve to see you happy to. forget this jerk, live for you. 

 
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