Replies to '06/13 Trapped'

 Every situation is different.  I can only relate my expirience.  I found out that my husband was having an affair when I was 1 month away from delivering our third child.  Talk about devestation.  There is no worse time to discover this than when you are pregnant.  At the time I had been a stay at home mom for 5 years.  Therefore, I was financially dependent on him.  I didn't feel like I had any other choice than to stay with this man.  Sure, I still loved him, but at the same time I hated him.  I spent my days dwelling on the matter and being terribly depressed.  For the first year after the affair, he, of course, treated my like a princess and I actually thought at the time that it made our marriage stronger to go through this.  That only lasted for about a year.  Then reality was back.  I am still with my husband, sometimes I don't know why.  While, I don't think he has cheated on me since, I still do not trust him.  It has been 7 years now.  If I still can't trust him after 7 years, I don't think it is going to happen.  The memories of the affair still sting, I think they always will.  While the pain is alot less, the trust issue never has gone away.  I still feel trapped in my marriage.  I am a financially dependent woman with three kids and has been out of work for 10 years now.  My advice to you is think about living with a man who you cannot trust and will probably have no respect for.  This also has a huge effect on the kids, they suffer while going through the pain  That is really being trapped  That will definately show in your actions and in the long run and will probably cause extra stress to the marriage.  I wasted alot of my precious time with my kids worrying about him and what he is doing.  Constantly checking up on him and going through his things.  That is not something that I want to do or should have to do.  I am still doing this, although to a lesser degree, after 7 years.  I wished that I would have came up with a plan 7 years ago to get out of this marriage.  I think I would be a better person for it and so would my kids. 
If you can get out, I would definately try.

Pretend you're an outsider like me reading your post & that you have no love attachment to the guy what-so-ever.  Bottom line is he's cheating on you, is lying to you about it, is not contrite about this, won't respect your feelings enough to even talk about it, is emotionally cold to you & now is preparing to move out.  And don't be fooled just b/c he never threw a punch--this IS serious emotional abuse.  He's not entitled to have an affair or to lie to you As Dr. Phil says, "you can't fix it if you don't own it" & he's not even owning up to cheating & lying.  The proper response to him is, "Good riddance & don't let the door hit you in the face on the way out!"  And besides, he has already left you.  All that's left is the shell of a body that used to be your husband.  THIS is the way he really is, not the nice facade he put up when he was dating you.  All abusive husbands come across as nice guys in the beginning.   

  

And BTW, he's telling you a bunch of lies: 

1.  He was drunk during the laundry room incident & doesn't remember it.  Complete B.S.--it's his way of not having to talk about it.  And let's say this is true.  Well in that case he's an alcoholic who experiences black outs & needs rehab.  Also a bad situation. 

  

2.  He needs to "find himself"???  B.S.  He wants a place where he can be intimate with the other woman that's more comfortable than a laundry room. 

  

3.  His denial of the affair. 

  

Please don't believe his lies.  And please love yourself first by not being in a marriage with anyone who would dare treat you like this.  Staying with a man who is cheating on you is implicitly giving your okay about this.  Only give him another chance if he comes clean, appears very contrite & sorry, quits the affair, tells her in your presence he's ending it, switches jobs to a workplace where he has no contact with her, tells you where he is at all times, allows you to check all cell phone calls & credit card purchases, etc.  But you are no where even NEAR a situation where you can give him a second chance.    

  

Document everything he does.  And if you're a SAHM, be sure to get enough child support (& alimony if applicable to your situation) so you don't have to be dirt poor.  But even if you do end up being financially strapped for a while, it's better to be low income & without him.  (No, he will not magically revert to the nice guy he was in the beginning, so don't waste your time waiting around for that.)  And besides, he probably does come up with the money for taking HER out to dinner & motels, etc.  You can take comfort in knowing that "if he does it with you, he'll do it TO you."  Thus the other woman is not gaining a partner she can trust, nor is your husband gaining a trustworthy partner.   

I was in a similar situation last year.  My husband started an affair with his secretary, whom I had been friends with and had babysat our children.  I would later find out this was not her first affair, as a matter of fact, she married her current husband as the result of an affair on her previous husband.  Anyway, my husband also played dumb at first, claiming they were just friends who happened to be found drunk in a local parking lot at 2am by her husband.  Like you, I knew what was going on, but I wanted to save our family for my two young children, and also I still loved my husband.  I asked him repeatedly to stop breaking my heart, could we please work on our marriage with her out of the picture, etc. We went to counselling, which was of little help, because he became cold and distant, like you report.  Finally he admitted he loved her, and I couldn't live with that.  I went to stay with my parents while divising a plan to become a self-sufficient single mother.  I think the affair would have been painful enough, but being rejected as well is devastating.  It took months to get to a point where I would not cry at the drop of a hat.   The good news is that I did grow stronger, and I think my confidence actually rose higher than it had been during my marriage as a result of being more self-sufficient and realizing I could make it on my own. 

     Eventually, my husband did admit it was the biggest mistake of his life, and asked me to come back.  After some soul searching, and counselling, I decided to try it, figuring if it didn't work, I'd be back where I started anyway.  That's the point I'm at now.  I have been back home for about seven months, and I still can't honestly say if it will work out in the long run.  Of course my husband has poured out apologies, but my former perception of him has been shattered, along with much of my respect for him.  I am hoping that over time we (or actually I, since he seems fine) are able to heal more fully.  So I can't really say that trying to keep your marriage would necessarily be right or even desirable.  I know it would help you to be able to take some time for yourself to think about how you feel, and what you really want to happen.  When your husband has an affair, it changes your feelings about him, and I am starting to wonder if I shouldn't expect better for myself.  Maybe you should too. 

The best thing for both you and your boys is to take care of yourself. It is not your fault, so please hon, don't blame yourself (and if you haven't GOOD FOR YOU!!). Take yourself for a date (if you can afford it), if not, make yourself a nice dinner after the boys go to bed if your not too tired. Soak in the tub, give yourself a facial, manicure and hair do. Yeah yeah, it sounds superficial, but as a woman myself, I know when I look great I feel great. Then look in the mirror (at your beautiful self) and say that you did your best whilest you had it. That you are and will continue to be the best mother that thoes boys have because YOU are the mother that God chose for them. Even if your husband isn't there, hold him to task for your boys sake, because they need a father and a means of support. You only need that man for your sons, not yourself. And if you are the same age (roughly) as your husband, then there is a huge future for you. You deserve better. If better is the man getting his proberbial head out of his butt and being the man you desire GREAT! If not, there could be someone else out there for you. My mom was in her late thirties with two teenaged children (plus myself, but I had moved out and had a baby by then) when she reconnected with an old flame and they are happily married for the past three years and she has all she never knew she wanted in a mate. So don't give up hope, don't give up on yourself. Like I said, the best thing to do is pick yourself up, dust yourself off and take care of yourself. You will become stronger and your boys will admire you for it PLUS, when and if a new man comes into your life, it won't matter how old you are or how many children you have, he will be drawn by your strength, courage and beauty (both inner and outter). If seen it, my mom's living proof. So go for it, you are worth it, you just need to feel it.