Replies to '06/19 Pressured Into Marriage'

Quote From: jmn22859

I have been married for 25 years and feel as Heather does -- that I was duped by my husband into believing that he was something he was not. The pretty picture he painted of his family and himself as a hard working, caring and stable man was untruthful and unrealistic (most of his his siblings agree with me). My parents left me a small fortune when they passed so although my husband was handed a financially secure future on a silver platter, he dropped the ball -- lost our home, trashed all the credit my parents had helped us establish (by not paying the bills) and he recently filed for bankruptcy (excluding me so the creditors now are calling on me to pay the debts). He's had new jobs on an average of about every five years and has moved our family from rented home to rented home (he's never owned his own home and at almost 50 years of age he is only now paying on the first car he's ever owned) and to this day continues to lag behind in paying the bills -- no matter how many times we pull ourselves up he manages to drop the ball time and again. As a person he is thoughtless, irresponsible, self-centered, and unpassionate (except for his interests) and basically acts like a child when it comes to any type of responsibility. Upon planning our marriage in 1980, he moved into my family's home, living there for months while never once contributing to the budget although he ate three meals a day there (no, he never even helped around the house), drove my family's cars, my mother washed and ironed his clothes and bedding, and living rent-free there until he found a job he "liked" while spending his "free" time (while I worked full-time to support us as a couple) by jogging and woodworking, basically playing around the house. His degree is in phys ed-health but his current job is only remotely related to his degree. I thought I married a teacher but he's never in 25 years held a teaching job and only sought one in that field upon graduation but never since. (My major was journlaism and I've been an editor ever since except for raising our children so I feel that what he saw was what HE got.) My parents even paid for our engagement-wedding rings! Now that our kids are grown we have no relationship -- sexually or otherwise -- and we fight most of the time and when we aren't fighting we merely exist in the same space. I'm not in a financial position to file for divorce (he won't put up the money to repair my old car so I cannot seek substantial employment and if I become employed the creditors will collect from me the money he hasn't paid to them), he hides his money from his paycheck and has never put so much as a dime in my wallet (I have to ask-beg for anything I need) although I shared my small family fortune with him and for our children's sake (he also went through the children's college funds to pay bills) AND his family as well and in my frustration I've said many of the mean things Heather has said so I've become unhappy with myself. Am I doomed to live the remainder of my life in this situation? Am I too old at 47 to start anew? And if it is possible to start anew, how would one go about digging themself out of this deep dark hole? (He's refused to seek any type of counseling individually or as a couple although I have gone on my own, where I was put on anti-depressants as the therpaists conceded that I in fact did have no way out under the circumstances.) How do you determine, Dr. Phil, if a 25-year relationship is a viable one? We never did sit down before marriage to establish goals so is it too late now? Is it even worth it or do we just write off 25 years recognizing that we got married for the wrong reasons or was I just plain duped and used? Heather better watch out or she'll be where I am now in 25 years. My life might be her future!

Quote From: jmn22859

I have been married for 25 years and feel as Heather does -- that I was duped by my husband into believing that he was something he was not. The pretty picture he painted of his family and himself as a hard working, caring and stable man was untruthful and unrealistic (most of his his siblings agree with me). My parents left me a small fortune when they passed so although my husband was handed a financially secure future on a silver platter, he dropped the ball -- lost our home, trashed all the credit my parents had helped us establish (by not paying the bills) and he recently filed for bankruptcy (excluding me so the creditors now are calling on me to pay the debts). He's had new jobs on an average of about every five years and has moved our family from rented home to rented home (he's never owned his own home and at almost 50 years of age he is only now paying on the first car he's ever owned) and to this day continues to lag behind in paying the bills -- no matter how many times we pull ourselves up he manages to drop the ball time and again. As a person he is thoughtless, irresponsible, self-centered, and unpassionate (except for his interests) and basically acts like a child when it comes to any type of responsibility. Upon planning our marriage in 1980, he moved into my family's home, living there for months while never once contributing to the budget although he ate three meals a day there (no, he never even helped around the house), drove my family's cars, my mother washed and ironed his clothes and bedding, and living rent-free there until he found a job he "liked" while spending his "free" time (while I worked full-time to support us as a couple) by jogging and woodworking, basically playing around the house. His degree is in phys ed-health but his current job is only remotely related to his degree. I thought I married a teacher but he's never in 25 years held a teaching job and only sought one in that field upon graduation but never since. (My major was journlaism and I've been an editor ever since except for raising our children so I feel that what he saw was what HE got.) My parents even paid for our engagement-wedding rings! Now that our kids are grown we have no relationship -- sexually or otherwise -- and we fight most of the time and when we aren't fighting we merely exist in the same space. I'm not in a financial position to file for divorce (he won't put up the money to repair my old car so I cannot seek substantial employment and if I become employed the creditors will collect from me the money he hasn't paid to them), he hides his money from his paycheck and has never put so much as a dime in my wallet (I have to ask-beg for anything I need) although I shared my small family fortune with him and for our children's sake (he also went through the children's college funds to pay bills) AND his family as well and in my frustration I've said many of the mean things Heather has said so I've become unhappy with myself. Am I doomed to live the remainder of my life in this situation? Am I too old at 47 to start anew? And if it is possible to start anew, how would one go about digging themself out of this deep dark hole? (He's refused to seek any type of counseling individually or as a couple although I have gone on my own, where I was put on anti-depressants as the therpaists conceded that I in fact did have no way out under the circumstances.) How do you determine, Dr. Phil, if a 25-year relationship is a viable one? We never did sit down before marriage to establish goals so is it too late now? Is it even worth it or do we just write off 25 years recognizing that we got married for the wrong reasons or was I just plain duped and used? Heather better watch out or she'll be where I am now in 25 years. My life might be her future!

Quote From: jmn22859

I have been married for 25 years and feel as Heather does -- that I was duped by my husband into believing that he was something he was not. The pretty picture he painted of his family and himself as a hard working, caring and stable man was untruthful and unrealistic (most of his his siblings agree with me). My parents left me a small fortune when they passed so although my husband was handed a financially secure future on a silver platter, he dropped the ball -- lost our home, trashed all the credit my parents had helped us establish (by not paying the bills) and he recently filed for bankruptcy (excluding me so the creditors now are calling on me to pay the debts). He's had new jobs on an average of about every five years and has moved our family from rented home to rented home (he's never owned his own home and at almost 50 years of age he is only now paying on the first car he's ever owned) and to this day continues to lag behind in paying the bills -- no matter how many times we pull ourselves up he manages to drop the ball time and again. As a person he is thoughtless, irresponsible, self-centered, and unpassionate (except for his interests) and basically acts like a child when it comes to any type of responsibility. Upon planning our marriage in 1980, he moved into my family's home, living there for months while never once contributing to the budget although he ate three meals a day there (no, he never even helped around the house), drove my family's cars, my mother washed and ironed his clothes and bedding, and living rent-free there until he found a job he "liked" while spending his "free" time (while I worked full-time to support us as a couple) by jogging and woodworking, basically playing around the house. His degree is in phys ed-health but his current job is only remotely related to his degree. I thought I married a teacher but he's never in 25 years held a teaching job and only sought one in that field upon graduation but never since. (My major was journlaism and I've been an editor ever since except for raising our children so I feel that what he saw was what HE got.) My parents even paid for our engagement-wedding rings! Now that our kids are grown we have no relationship -- sexually or otherwise -- and we fight most of the time and when we aren't fighting we merely exist in the same space. I'm not in a financial position to file for divorce (he won't put up the money to repair my old car so I cannot seek substantial employment and if I become employed the creditors will collect from me the money he hasn't paid to them), he hides his money from his paycheck and has never put so much as a dime in my wallet (I have to ask-beg for anything I need) although I shared my small family fortune with him and for our children's sake (he also went through the children's college funds to pay bills) AND his family as well and in my frustration I've said many of the mean things Heather has said so I've become unhappy with myself. Am I doomed to live the remainder of my life in this situation? Am I too old at 47 to start anew? And if it is possible to start anew, how would one go about digging themself out of this deep dark hole? (He's refused to seek any type of counseling individually or as a couple although I have gone on my own, where I was put on anti-depressants as the therpaists conceded that I in fact did have no way out under the circumstances.) How do you determine, Dr. Phil, if a 25-year relationship is a viable one? We never did sit down before marriage to establish goals so is it too late now? Is it even worth it or do we just write off 25 years recognizing that we got married for the wrong reasons or was I just plain duped and used? Heather better watch out or she'll be where I am now in 25 years. My life might be her future!